“That was really brave.”

"That was really brave."

A fictionalised story:

As Simon prepared for his first in depth one to one with his new manager, Robin, he deliberated about whether or not to share some of the difficult issues that had arisen earlier in the year. He'd decided safer to not, or at most, keep it to a believable and curated fragment. However, Simon had also been surprised with the sense of connection he'd already felt in his first couple of introductory meetings with his new manager. He walked into the meeting, with his gameplan, but was soon again surprised when Robin directly asked him about his history and relationships with particular people. Simon breathed. He realised while a risk, there were enough signs for him to offer more than he'd originally planned and he could see he needed to do so. So he did, still being brief, but adding in how difficult this period had been for him and how he'd chosen to handle it. Robin listened deeply, not interrupting, and when Simon had finished, and was sitting anxiously awaiting some kind of response, or non-response, Robin simply said, "That was really brave, Simon".

Robin didn't:
- get defensive about her own position and try to correct Simon (shows a lot of capacity - you can probably imagine all the things Robin may have been thinking and feeling in the moment)
- feel pressure to make him feel better
- focus in on details that didn't matter
- try to take sides
- hedge her bets
- stay totally neutral (political) and say nothing much
- try to jump in with fixes/solutions - that would be redundant now anyway
- make it about her (tell Simon what she would have done or offer other stories about herself - the ego/hero thing)
- make him feel small

Robin simply acknoweldedged the challenge, the emotional vulnerability, and mirrored it back with a succinct and generous frame: that was really brave, and she used his name.

Yes!

That WAS really brave. Not only the situation, but also the sharing. Simon realised in that moment, maybe she was right. And it seemed like she cared (even more amazing). Simon breathed a sigh of relief, surprise. It was empowering and connecting.

In general, simply genuinely listening and acknoweldedging without fixing it defending or protecting, is an underused yet incredibly powerful approach.

It's really hard to do really well, though. Building our capacity and skill to enable deep listening, attunement, while also holding space for ourselves and ability to regulate and notice our own habits and defensive, and hold the bigger picture and context too, is not an easy thing.

In my opinion, Robin was really brave too. Not only in the moment, but also in the years that preceded this conversation in terms of her own capacity for being able to meet this moment. That sounds simple, but really, it is not. The first step is being intentional about building this capacity in ourselves.

Can you relate?

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